News Headlines to make you laugh

I know that jokes or humour in general gets many views on this Blog. So here goes - as sent to me by ex work colleague!!

 

Here are some genuine New Headlines that turned out to look funny when in print. However one or two may not have seemed funny to some!!!

ACTUAL NEWS HEADLINES FROM AROUND THE WORLD



-PLANE TOO CLOSE TO GROUND, CRASH PROBE TOLD

Surprisingly, this is a common cause of plane crashes.

-SOMETHING WENT WRONG IN JET CRASH, EXPERT SAYS

No, really? Ya think?

-DRUNK GETS NINE MONTHS IN VIOLIN CASE

Sounds uncomfortable.

-POLICE BEGIN CAMPAIGN TO RUN DOWN JAYWALKERS

Now that's taking things a bit far!

-PANDA MATING FAILS; VETERINARIAN TAKES OVER

Let's hope he can do it!

-SQUAD HELPS DOG BITE VICTIM

I'm pretty sure there's a law against that.

-MINERS REFUSE TO WORK AFTER DEATH

No-good-for-nothing' lazy so-and-so's!

-JUVENILE COURT TO TRY SHOOTING DEFENDANT

If all else fails...

-WAR DIMS HOPE FOR PEACE

I can see where it might have that effect!

-TEACHER STRIKES IDLE KIDS

Probably shouldn't have been standing there.

-IF STRIKE ISN'T SETTLED QUICKLY, IT MAY LAST A WHILE


Ya think?!

-NEVER WITHHOLD HERPES INFECTION FROM LOVED ONE

Sharing is caring.

-COLD WAVE LINKED TO TEMPERATURES

Who would have thought!

-END TO FREE SCHOOL LOOMS

Long past due in my opinion.

-EYE DROPS OFF SHELF

Poor vision blamed.


-BRITISH LEFT WAFFLES ON FALKLAND ISLANDS

How dare they!?

-REAGAN WINS ON BUDGET, BUT MORE LIES AHEAD

That’s how politics works isn't it?

-RED TAPE HOLDS UP NEW BRIDGES


You mean there's something stronger than duct tape? Oklahoma's new construction program!

-SOVIET VIRGIN LANDS SHORT OF GOAL AGAIN

Well it's not something you should rush. First time should be special right?

-MAN STRUCK BY LIGHTNING: FACES BATTERY CHARGE

He probably IS the battery charge!

-PROSTITUTES APPEAL TO POPE

He is human after all.

-KILLER SENTENCED TO DIE FOR SECOND TIME IN 10 YEARS

Are they going to dig him up...?

-NEW STUDY OF OBESITY LOOKS FOR LARGER TEST GROUP

Weren't they fat enough?!

-IRAQI HEAD SEEKS ARMS

Can't be greedy about these things.

-ASTRONAUT TAKES BLAME FOR GAS IN SPACECRAFT

That's what he gets for eating those beans!

-FARMER BILL DIES IN HOUSE

Poor Bill.

-TWO SOVIET SHIPS COLLIDE, ONE DIES

Poor little ship.

-KIDS MAKE NUTRITIOUS SNACKS

Do they taste like chicken?

-SURVIVOR OF SIAMESE TWINS JOINS PARENTS

Old habits die hard I guess.

-LOCAL HIGH SCHOOL DROPOUTS CUT IN HALF

Chainsaw Massacre all over again!

-SAFETY EXPERTS SAY SCHOOL BUS PASSENGERS SHOULD BE BELTED


A bit harsh maybe...

-HOSPITAL SUED BY 7 FOOT DOCTORS


Boy, are they tall!

-STOLEN PAINTING FOUND BY TREE


I didn’t even realise the tree was looking.

-LUNG CANCER IN WOMEN MUSHROOMS

Can you still eat them...?

-TYPHOON RIPS THROUGH CEMETERY; HUNDREDS DEAD

Did I read that right?

-SHOT OFF WOMAN'S LEG HELPS NICKLAUS TO 66

Where do I get one??

Rod Whiting on Holdingham

The BBC Radio Breakfast Rod Whiting show last Wednesday (23 May), brought up, once again, the proposed developments in Sleaford: 4000 houses plus, new Care Home/Dementia Centre, Health Centres etc etc. Not new: it was a rehash of the Sleaford Master Plan.  I think it has (now/soon)  been removed/out of date (will be after 30 May)and not available on the IPlayer. They contacted me to be available: but it all seemed premature, at this stage, and I didn't get involved.

However the 8.05a.m  broadcast had interviews wiith residents and with NK Officers and Highways. Those interviewed stressed that they are just plans at this stage and a consultation period has just ended. It still leaves many questions to be answered: floodplane, archeological protection et al. What all these plans still miss (this one talked about the Dementia Centre and 230 homes of which 40% will be affordable - whatever that means in practice) is the impact of such homes, near the A17, will have on resources and infrastructure. Those interviewed seemed content with this level of growth but unfortunately it is a fraction of what is proposed for the next 20-25 years.

With Biofuel lorries adding to the congestion of the A17 bypass - the extra traffic that these homes, and more, will generate will help block a vital transport link between Newark and Boston. No wonder they are desperately looking for a southern route around Sleaford to take the extra traffic from Greylees and  proposed and existing developments!

We are in for a long haul I am afraid!

Jokes to make Holdingham and Sleaford Laugh

We need a cheer me up. 

On the Supermarket PA system: 'Clean up on aisle 25, we have a husband down.'


Husband Down
A husband and wife are shopping in their local ASDA
The husband picks up a case of Guinness and puts it in their trolley.
'What do you think you're doing?' asks the wife.
'They're on sale, only £10 for 18 cans he replies.
'Put them back, we can't afford them' demands the wife, and so they carry on shopping.
A few aisles further on along the woman picks up a £20 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket.
'What do you think you're doing?' asks the husband.
'It’s my face cream. It makes me look beautiful,' replies the wife.
Her husband retorts: 'So does 18 cans of Guinness and it's half the price.'

He never knew what hit him.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Pure logic


This is a story which is perfectly logical:
A wife asks her husband,
"Could you please go shopping for me and buy one carton of milk,
and if they have eggs, get 6."

A short time later the husband comes back with 6 cartons of milk.
The wife asks him, "Why did you buy 6 cartons of milk?"
He replied, "They had eggs."

Did you get  it? Read it again if you didn't!


Cheers - more to come!

Holdingham Local Planning?

My fellow local Councillor for Holdingham, Ken Fernandes, has sent me the information below.
Whether or not readers feel it is all the fault of the local District Council I leave to you to decide. However the issues of local empowerment need to be addressed- here and across Sleaford. 

It comes at a timely moment when we are, in Holdingham, being asked questions about developments under the Town master Plan.  It all about empowering ourselves.

Note: the figure of 174 trees is an issue! This value appears to change and has done so for the last 9 years that I have been on the Town Council.

Local Planning

It has come to my attention that:-


The National Association of Local Councils(NALC) requesting support for a motion to be put forward regarding planning applications.

As you are all aware, currently there is no right for parish/town councils to lodge any appeal regarding planning decisions, and this is a move by NALC to change this position, following representations made by other County Associations on the matter.

Remember “planned closure of Sleaford rail crossing”; the future loss of 174 protected trees in the Boston Road Recreation Ground for access to the NEW mega TESCO with a time limited car park; loss of Car parks in the centre of Sleaford town (25 yrs.plan); Over development/S&H concerns overlooked by NKDC. No concern over “The well being of residents.” Especially the mobility challenged because of age or other reasons. Not forgetting building new houses for imported residents from Nottingham and other cities with no infrastructure/water planning or jobs to sustain this development. Funnelling traffic through the centre of Sleaford Town. All Plans approved by the elected Conservative majority in NKDC.

If any residents/councillors would like to support this initiative, please write to your local MPS to ask for your support of the Early Day Motion (EDM) on Planning Appeals, being sponsored by Martin Caton, MP. http://www.parliament.uk/edm/2010-12/2824 before 17 May 2012.


Ken Fernandes

Holdingham Sleaford ward councillor (Lincolnshire Independent)

Admin5@kens.1to1.org